"Even now,” declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.
Rend your heart and not your garments."
(Joel 2:12-13)


Sunday, April 24, 2011

the end of my seven day fast

Isaiah 53:1-6 NLT
        Who has believed our message
           and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
        He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
           and like a root out of dry ground.
        He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
           nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
        He was despised and rejected by men,
           a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
        Like one from whom men hide their faces
           he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
        Surely he took up our infirmities
           and carried our sorrows,
        yet we considered him stricken by God,
           smitten by him, and afflicted.
        But he was pierced for our transgressions,
           he was crushed for our iniquities;
        the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
           and by his wounds we are healed.
        We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
           each of us has turned to his own way;
        and the LORD has laid on him
           the iniquity of us all.
It is the end of my seven day fast. I ate a little breakfast this morning at the church function after our Sunrise Services, and then I had lunch with some friends. All in all, I am pretty stuffed. Considering that I have had nothing to eat for a week then real food, it is not surprising.

I am not sure that anything came out of my fast. I have heard no mighty words from God. I have decided that from now on, I will probably go in three day increments, at least for a while. A week or more does a lot of damage to my system, especially this close to the last one.

But even though I have not heard answers from God, I am sure he heard me. He knows my heart and I think he heard me.

Father God, I ask you for power from on high. Give me strength to do what you want and the love you have for your church placed in my heart. I praise  you. Amen.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

day seven of my week long fast toward resurrection sunday

Isaiah 53:1-6 NLT
        Who has believed our message
           and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
        He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
           and like a root out of dry ground.
        He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
           nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
        He was despised and rejected by men,
           a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
        Like one from whom men hide their faces
           he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
        Surely he took up our infirmities
           and carried our sorrows,
        yet we considered him stricken by God,
           smitten by him, and afflicted.
        But he was pierced for our transgressions,
           he was crushed for our iniquities;
        the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
           and by his wounds we are healed.
        We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
           each of us has turned to his own way;
        and the LORD has laid on him
           the iniquity of us all.
It is day seven of my week long fast toward Resurrection Sunday. I am not really sure what I have accomplished in this fast.  Again, I have lost a lot of weight. I am smaller now than I was at the end of my 21 day fast. I wear clothing smaller than ever before. That doesn’t hurt my feelings. However, that is not why I went on the fast.

On this fast, I have found that I need to connect more strongly with the church and with the Lord. That has been on my mind a lot.

I need that very badly.

I have given myself to both the Lord and to the church for almost forty years. I love both. I love the Lord more, but as I have made myself the servant of his body, I have a lot of love for it.

I guess the problem is that it has not always loved me back.

The church has driven my son away from the Lord. He saw the things that it was capable of and associated it with God. I tried to make him understand that the two were to necessarily synonymous, that God worked differently than the church did. I tried to tell him that God loves us even when his people don’t.

But, it is hard to argue with an experience. He saw them as being that way and it was hard to bring him to a different conclusion.

Now my daughter would go to church if the people there hit her with a stick on her way into the building. She  just loves God and loves his church.

Two kids, both responding in different ways to things that the body of Christ has done to their father.

I try to remember that Jesus, as he was dying, forgave those who were killing him. I try to have that same attitude in me as was in Christ Jesus (Philippians 2), but it is hard.

I find myself here in Lincoln, near the end of my life, far from those who love me and all my family.

But no matter – but it does matter – I love this church, this body of people who try their best to live like they think God wants them to. They are not always right in what they do, but that is my mission as a pastor: to teach them.

And it is my mission to love them. I do this in various ways.

I try to be with them in times of trouble. I feed them, both physically and spiritually. I give them coffee. I wait when they disappoint me. I laugh with them and cry with them. I am patient when they fall short of what I think they need to do.

And, above all, I love them.

Father God, I ask you for more strength in loving your people. Give me the same attitude toward them as you have. Make me more tender to them. I praise you. Amen.

Friday, April 22, 2011

day six of my week long fast

Isaiah 53:1-6 NLT
        Who has believed our message
           and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
        He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
           and like a root out of dry ground.
        He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
           nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
        He was despised and rejected by men,
           a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
        Like one from whom men hide their faces
           he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
        Surely he took up our infirmities
           and carried our sorrows,
        yet we considered him stricken by God,
           smitten by him, and afflicted.
        But he was pierced for our transgressions,
           he was crushed for our iniquities;
        the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
           and by his wounds we are healed.
        We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
           each of us has turned to his own way;
        and the LORD has laid on him
           the iniquity of us all.
It is day six of my week long fast looking toward Resurrection Sunday. I have come to the point that I am no longer hungry now. Food looks good, but I don’t feel the driving need.

The quesadillas I made Ella last night were awfully good looking, more than any of the other stuff on her plate. But I am the master, not food.

That is a battle I have fought all my life. I always were amazed at people who forgot to eat. How can you forget to eat? I hardly ever forgot to eat. But I found that after this last fast, a couple of days, I just forgot to eat. Surprised the fire out of me.

Maybe I am getting there. I would like to have God have control over my body, not food. Maybe it is coming. A few hundred more fasts and maybe it will be here. Or dead, one or the other.

I love the church of Jesus Christ. I always have. I have not always liked it, but I have always loved it. You can love something without necessarily liking it.

I knew a boy and girl when I was young who loved each other dearly, but were always in arguments. They really didn’t like each other. I have found out in later years how that can be possible, but at the time, it baffled me. How can you love someone without liking them?

But I am sure Jesus wasn’t exactly liking all these jeering people standing around the cross as he died. I am sure that his affection didn’t brim over for the apostles as he heard them deny they knew him. Pity maybe, but not liking.

And I have found in my life that it is often hard to like someone you feel pity for. Pity is too strong. And it is hard to like someone who is doing things to hurt you.

Love them, yes. I gave my life to the church because I loved the church. But I have had to recognize that it did not always love me back. That didn’t stop my own love, but it sure put a damper on my liking.

In fact, some of the people I love, I can barely stand to be in the same room with.

But, of course, that is human nature.

My mother-in-law used to say of some people, I love you but I hate your low-down ways. I guess that sums up things well. It sure sums up how God feels: love the sinner and hate the sin.

Father God, I ask you for strength to love your church more, to see your church as you see it. Let me be like Jesus. I praise you. Amen.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

day five of my week long fast

Isaiah 53:1-6 NLT
        Who has believed our message
           and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
        He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
           and like a root out of dry ground.
        He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
           nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
        He was despised and rejected by men,
           a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
        Like one from whom men hide their faces
           he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
        Surely he took up our infirmities
           and carried our sorrows,
        yet we considered him stricken by God,
           smitten by him, and afflicted.
        But he was pierced for our transgressions,
           he was crushed for our iniquities;
        the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
           and by his wounds we are healed.
        We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
           each of us has turned to his own way;
        and the LORD has laid on him
           the iniquity of us all.
It is day five of my week long fast. We are moving towards the end of Jesus’ earthly life and the beginning of his kingdom.

This day is called Maundy Thursday. Sometimes it is also called Holy Thursday. Maundy comes from an old English word that comes from the Latin, mandatum or commandment. It was named after the comment Jesus gave in John 13 at the Last Supper. The new commandment superceded all the old commandments.

That new commandment is love.

Maundy Thursday is also a day in which foot-washing is traditionally done. Again following Jesus’ example.

But it is the last normal day of Jesus’ life. If you can call Jesus’ life normal.

But it is a full day. He celebrates the last Passover that will be sanctioned by God. There will be more held, but now the Passover and what it signified is gone. In a few days, Jesus will be our Passover.

In 1 Corinthians 5:7, the apostle Paul says: Christ, our Passover Lamb, has been sacrificed for us.

Today he also sees a friend betray him. That is such an exquisite pain. It is heart-rending to see one that you trusted and loved turn on you for no real reason. It has happened to me and I suppose will happen again. One that ate at your table and accepted your love and hospitality can stab you in the back. And it hurts almost like that.

Jesus not only sees Judas betray him, but sees all his apostles, people he loved and trusted, turn on him.

About the only difference between them was that Judas got some money for it, while Peter and the others sold him out for a place at a communal fire.

Except for amount of return, there isn’t really any difference. Peter tried to fight first, at least, while Judas went out with a whimper.

But Jesus knew that would happen. And he loved them anyway. He kept the commandment.

1 John 3:16 says: We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters.

There was real love: to sacrifice yourself for people who run away from you.

Father God, I ask you for strength to love people anyway. I ask you to give me my fire back and renew my passion. I praise you. Amen.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

the fourth day of my week long fast

Isaiah 53:1-6 NLT
Who has believed our message
   and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
   and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
   nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men,
   a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
   he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities
   and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
   smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
   and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
   each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
   the iniquity of us all.
I am in my fourth day of my week long fast and already I am suffering some of the problems I suffered when I was on my last fast. The difference, this time, is that I started having difficulties earlier.

But it is amazing at how the things I read, I see with so much more clarity than usually. There is a – high, for lack of a better word that you get when you fast. It is the knowledge that you have been without the basic nutrient of life. But it is also a clearness of mind that can only come that way.

I have been thinking about Holy Week. Today is Wednesday. Depending upon who you read, Jesus was waiting. You have to kind of filter through the gospels to see the events.

On Wednesday, according to Matthew, he and the apostles were going to Jerusalem and wanted something to eat. He went to a fig tree and saw it didn’t have anything on it and he cursed it. An odd thing to do. By the next day it had withered and his disciples were amazed.

On Wednesday, according to Mark and Luke, he went into the temple and once again, drove the moneylenders out as he had done at the very beginning of his ministry in John. It also said that the religious leaders were afraid of him because of his popularity.

On Wednesday, according to John, he did several things. One was that he predicted his death. In 12:28, God speaks to him and verifies his ministry. Then he goes off to be by himself.

By the time he had come to this point, the political opinion of him was dramatically opposed. They were ready to kill him, but couldn’t figure out exactly how to go about it.

Whatever it was that he did, we know that he knew he was about to die. He had boldly walked into Jerusalem the Sunday before and let everybody see him. He had come back because of Lazarus dying. His apostles and everybody else tried to talk him out of it, buthe knew it was time.

I don’t know if he knew the exact timeframe or time-table, but you know he had to be dreading it. This was, after all, the man who sweated so heavily in the Garden the night of his arrest that it looked like the consistency of blood.

He knew he had to do it, but he was not looking forward to it. He was human, and he knew it was going to be painful and protracted. He knew he would be crucified because he  said so at least twice.

John 3:14 says And as Moses lifted up the bronze snake on a pole in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up. In this he may have thought that he would be lifted up as an example, not necessarily crucified. This was at the beginning of his ministry.

John 8:28 says So Jesus said, “When you have lifted up the Son of Man on the cross, then you will understand that I Am he. I do nothing on my own but say only what the Father taught me”.

Here he knew too well what would probably happen. This was much closer to the end. He knew the common from of death, that there were no merciful deaths except for Roman citizens. And he wasn’t one.

All in all, it was the middle day in a painful week and he is probably ready to be through.

Father God, I ask you for that kind of courage and ability to face what happens, no matter how negative and painful it may be. I praise you. Amen.

only by grace

O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Corinthians 15:55-57)
The death of Jesus looked like the end. The apostles were discouraged, the followers were ready to quit, the devil thought he had won a mighty victory. As the song goes, the demons of hell began to cheer, but little did they know that their end was drawing near.

When Adam sinned in the Garden of Eden, he saddled all of humanity with the knowledge of sin. All sin, Romans 3:23 says, and all fall short of the glory of God. And because we sin, we have no access to that Tree of Life that Adam and Eve were able to eat daily. When they ate the fruit of that tree, they were able to live forever.

But when God took them away from that Tree of Life, they began to die.

It took them a long time to die at first. They were still too close to the handwork of God in the creation. They lived for almost a thousand years. When God made something, he made it well. But even though they were very long-loved, they still began to die.

What a shock it must have been when someone caught the first illness, the first cold. When fatigue set in for the first time, or there was hunger, or even a cut. What a shock to see their blood flowing out.

They knew they were mortal now. And when the first person died, they knew that one day they too would die.

And everybody would one day die, because of sin. Including Jesus.

But Jesus didn’t sin (1 Peter 2:22). He did nothing wrong, yet he was mortal and as such would die.

Here was an anomaly. He didn’t sin, so he didn’t participate in what all humanity has in common: sin. Yet he was human, so he had to participate in another thing humanity all has in common: death.

But there is the power. When he died, the devil knew that he had him in his territory now. Death is the realm of satan and he has power there.

Or so he thought.

Because of his sinless life, Jesus was not bound by the fact of sin in his life and the tie all humanity has to Adam. Even though he was human, he didn’t have that tie of sin.

There was no reason for death to hold him. And God brought him back. He was under the power of God. He was shown to be the Son of God when he was raised from the dead by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 1:4).

Because of that defeat of death (the one he talked about in Matthew 16:18: all the powers of hell will not conquer it), he gives us the power to overcome through him.

His strength is great enough to compensate for our weakness. We do not have to stay dead any more than he did. He had to die because he was human, so do we. But because he was also God, he didn’t have to stay dead. Neither do we through his grace.

It is only through grace we can come to God. Law gives power to sin, but grace ignores sin. By the death of Jesus, we gain life. And in that life, we gain grace.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

day three of my fast

Isaiah 53:1-6 NLT
        Who has believed our message
           and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
        He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
           and like a root out of dry ground.
        He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
           nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
        He was despised and rejected by men,
           a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
        Like one from whom men hide their faces
           he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
        Surely he took up our infirmities
           and carried our sorrows,
        yet we considered him stricken by God,
           smitten by him, and afflicted.
        But he was pierced for our transgressions,
           he was crushed for our iniquities;
        the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
           and by his wounds we are healed.
        We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
           each of us has turned to his own way;
        and the LORD has laid on him
           the iniquity of us all.
It is day three of my fast. I have not been able to sleep well tonight for some reason.

At four o’clock I woke up. Shortly thereafter it began to hail. It was a pretty bad one. I do hope the roofs are not totaled again. I also feel sorry for the people next door with their brand new SUV. It is a nice one and they haven’t had it but a month or so. I hope it is not hurt too badly.

As is usual at this time of my fast, I am craving food. Unfortunately, I made up a big batch of one of my favorite foods – pimiento cheese – just the last part of last week. So it is calling.

I am also possessed with a deep sense of failure right now. That also is not uncommon at the beginning of a fast.

I am in this fast to partake of the last week of suffering with Jesus in what way I can. But I am also in this fast to find out what God wants of me. Where does he want me to go? I need to hear from him. I need to know what he wants of me.

Father God, I ask you for direction. I thank you for Jesus who gave me life and who gave me my ministry. Save me, Lord. I praise you. Amen.

Monday, April 18, 2011

the end of day two of my fast

Isaiah 53:1-6 NLT
        Who has believed our message
           and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
        He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
           and like a root out of dry ground.
        He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
           nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
        He was despised and rejected by men,
           a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
        Like one from whom men hide their faces
           he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
        Surely he took up our infirmities
           and carried our sorrows,
        yet we considered him stricken by God,
           smitten by him, and afflicted.
        But he was pierced for our transgressions,
           he was crushed for our iniquities;
        the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
           and by his wounds we are healed.
        We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
           each of us has turned to his own way;
        and the LORD has laid on him
           the iniquity of us all.
It is the end of day two of my fast. I am thinking about the last week my Lord spent on this earth. He went through a lot just in order to bring me back to God.

That is, after all, why he came. God is so good that we cannot touch him. We are, after all, human and essentially evil. Jesus can touch God. He is pure.

But because he was human, he can touch us. He knows our problems.

Hebrews 4 says So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.

He was like we are, yet he did not sin. That means that he went through the same problems we do, but didn’t succumb to them.

Because of that, he is perfect. So he can touch God, who is also perfect. And he can touch us, who are human.

He can bring us into the throne room of God.

That was why he came. He didn’t come to teach us a better way, or to give us wise old sayings. He came to bring us back to God.

He was the perfect sacrifice. He died even though he had not sinned and then put death under his feet.

He gives us the ability, vicariously, to die without sin and to put death under our feet through his sacrifice.

Father God, I thank you for Jesus and for his perfect sacrifice and for his bringing us back to you. I praise you. Amen.

day two of my fast: why i am fasting

Isaiah 53:1-6 NLT
        Who has believed our message
           and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
        He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
           and like a root out of dry ground.
        He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
           nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
        He was despised and rejected by men,
           a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
        Like one from whom men hide their faces
           he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
        Surely he took up our infirmities
           and carried our sorrows,
        yet we considered him stricken by God,
           smitten by him, and afflicted.
        But he was pierced for our transgressions,
           he was crushed for our iniquities;
        the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
           and by his wounds we are healed.
        We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
           each of us has turned to his own way;
        and the LORD has laid on him
           the iniquity of us all.
It is day two of my fast. Someone asked me what I was fasting toward. The best answer I can give them is that I am fasting toward to resurrection.

The last week of Jesus’ life was hard. He went through a lot. My own puny little fast is my attempt to share in his sufferings this week.

People do not understand that, and I accept the fact that they don’t. But it is something I feel I must do.

And it has been hard. I guess I lost my reserve during the 21 day fast I ended two months ago. Even though it has been two months, it feels like a short time. The hunger has come back more quickly than before.

I suppose that a fast is so abnormal that it stays with you. I still remember strongly the 30 day fast I undertook in 1997. In fact, it is hard to believe that it has been fourteen years since it happened. 

When it comes down to it, it is not natural to deny yourself the basic needs of humanity. You can live without sex, without clothes, without shelter even. But to live long, you must have food and water. You can go a while without these, but sooner or later, if you do not eat or drink, you will die.

But, again, and I have said this during the last fast, there comes a time when you want to hear the voice of God more than you want to eat. It is almost as if his word cannot penetrate through the big block of food I eat.

There are questions I have, basic questions about my life and my ministry, that I need to have answered. This fast is my ask, my seek, my knock.

Matthew 7:6-8 (NLT) says Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.
I have done a lot of asking and seeking and knocking in the past couple of years. And I have not had a lot of answers. I need to hear from God.

And I may keep fasting until I do. fasting is a very biblical way of coming before God. Holy men of old did it again and again. If they did, I can.

Yes, it can be injurious in some ways to your body. However, Jesus went into the desert and fasted forty days at the beginning of his ministry. Moses fasted, others fasted and all were pleasing to God.

Therefore fasting is good before God. And I will.

Father God, I ask you for strength in this fast to continue. I also ask for answers to my questions, for verification for my ministry. I praise you. Amen.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

end of day one of my week long fast

Isaiah 53:1-6 NLT
    Who has believed our message
       and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
    He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
       and like a root out of dry ground.
    He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
       nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
    He was despised and rejected by men,
       a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
    Like one from whom men hide their faces
       he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
    Surely he took up our infirmities
       and carried our sorrows,
    yet we considered him stricken by God,
       smitten by him, and afflicted.
    But he was pierced for our transgressions,
       he was crushed for our iniquities;
    the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
       and by his wounds we are healed.
    We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
       each of us has turned to his own way;
    and the LORD has laid on him
       the iniquity of us all.
It is the end of the first day of my week long fast toward Resurrection Sunday. The day at church was disappointing. There were not many there today and the tone was muted.

I put a lot of store in days like today. I suppose that is because I came from a church that eschewed them so strongly. They were, in all but actual words, forbidden.

When I came out of the Church of Christ, I decided that I would celebrate them full-bore. There is no reason not to.

However, not everybody shares my enthusiasm.

And I have to admit that many of the things I celebrate – such as Holy Week and all of the attendant stuff – have almost been unknown to Pentecostals until recently.

So I waved my palm branch today and talked about Jesus and how today he was celebrated and in just a week he was killed. And all by the same group of people.

It was because he made them mad. He didn’t do what they wanted and he didn’t act like they wanted a Messiah to act.

He loved them and they knew it, but he just didn’t fill the role the way they wanted him to.

I know how that feels. I have never really fit into the Pentecostal world. I am too other, for lack of a better word. I thought it would be different in the Foursquare Church but so far, it hasn’t.

But I persevere. As did Jesus. Not that I am like him in that regard. I am actually quite a failure.

Of course, I suppose that you could call him a failure, too, if measured by worldly standards. He never had a church of more than a couple hundred, never had a fixed location, never cared about the offering, gave everything away, was always on the outs with the denominational leadership.

Of course, he had the backing of God in all this.

I hope I do too. I have always thought of myself as a fool for Christ. Here lately, I have been afraid that maybe I am just a free-lance fool, who happens to be working for Christ right now.

Father God, I ask you for guidance. Tell me your will. show me your church in the way that you see it. Give me a renewed heart for your work. I praise you. Amen.

palm sunday: day one of my week-long fast

Isaiah 53:1-6 NLT
Who has believed our message
   and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
   and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
   nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men,
   a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
   he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities
   and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
   smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
   and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
   each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
   the iniquity of us all.
It is Holy Week, the week preceding the death, burial and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.

It is simultaneously good and bad. It is good because by the fact that Jesus took our sins upon himself, we do not have to have them upon ourselves. It is bad because he had to die.

Back in Genesis 3, right after the fall of mankind, God told Adam and Eve that things were going to be different, that they were going to be living in a completely altered world than the one they had lived in before. It would be a world of sin and the consequences of sin.

But before he told them anything, he told the serpent, the devil, satan, that one of these days one would come that would change that again.
And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel. (Genesis 3:15)
A friction that had never before existed would not only exist, but also dominate. Sin would rule, Or so it would seem. Then one day someone would come, who wold crush the head of sin.

The sad thing about it all, though, is that although sin would indeed be crushed, the heel of the crusher would be bruised.

Jesus would come. He would take away the sins of the world and make humanity once again able to, as Hebrews 4 says, boldly approach the throne of grace. When God sees us in the new era, he would no longer see our sins. We would be able to come before him knowing that we were clean and pure.

But – and there is the big problem – but Jesus, the bringer of grace and freedom, would have to die.

All sin and because of the entrance of that sin that all succumb to, all die. The devil says, because of sin, you die. However, Jesus was sinless (1 Peter 2:22). And yet he died anyway.

The devil says, okay, now you are dead and you are in my territory. Jesus, through the power of God (Romans 1:4) to be the Son of God by his resurrection from the dead.

Jesus had already told his disciples this same thing. He said, in Matthew 16:18, that his church would stand and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. Even though Jesus had died, it did not mean that death had power over him or over his church. He came back to life and in so doing, broke the hold satan had over humanity.

Today is Palm Sunday. Today we begin that holy week and we will walk with Jesus on that week.

I begin a week long fast today. I want to participate in some way in that suffering he went through. My puny little fast will not stand  up to his magnificent sacrifice. I know that. But if in some way, some little way, I can be a part of it, I will.

Father God, I ask for power through your Son and through his Word. Give me strength, and show me your will for this church. I praise you. Amen.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

reflections on my 21 day fast

Reflections On My 21 Day Fast

I have been off my fast now for almost a month. Yet it, as fasts will do, impacts me greatly.

Fourteen years ago, I went on a thirty day fast. It was just one month out of the past fourteen years. Yet, to this day, I see the impact it had on my life.

For one thing, I no longer taste my food while I am cooking. I cooked for a number of people the whole time I was fasting, but, of course, I couldn’t taste anything without breaking the fast. So I quit tasting stuff, and to this day, still have trouble remembering to do so.

The same with this one. I was on the fast this time for twenty-one days. I drank what I wanted, but didn’t drink much with sugar in it.

I lost over fifty pounds on the twenty-one day fast. Twenty of that has come back in just general living. But I had been on the Atkins diet for a couple of months before, so this probably sped up the weight loss.

But it came at a price. I was cold the entire time (it was February, which didn’t help me much warmth-wise), I had a runny nose, my back hurt, I had tremendous bowel distress along with  a weird kind of diarrhea and I had a lot of severe muscle cramps. It was not enjoyable.

But with the help of God I did it. I know he had to be there for it to have been done in the first place.

Yesterday I went to the doctor for a check-up. The nurse and then the doctor noticed right away that I was thirty pounds down from a couple of months ago. Both asked why. I told them about the fast. You could tell that the nurse was having trouble processing it. She finally asked, what do you eat on a fast? I replied, nothing. That is why it is called a fast.

The doctor was fascinated by it, that someone would voluntarily go without eating for three weeks.

They didn’t really understand why I had done it and I had trouble telling them in a way that they could understand.

But I learned some things. For the next several days, I am going to talk about what I learned on my fast. If I had learned nothing, it would have been worthless. I believe that it was not.

So here goes.

What I learned in a physical sense from my fast.

1. I learned again what hunger is. There were several times near the end when I was truly hungry. You can always tell the difference between real hunger and mouth hunger. Mouth hunger wants a pizza or grilled cheese sandwich. Real hunger will look at almost anything as desirable. Real hunger will eat anything. Several times at night, I felt a almost desperate need for food. It is not normal, after all, for a person to go without eating. Americans are so well fed that a person can go two weeks before the first real hunger pangs can set in. I feel for the children in bad circumstances that have to go to sleep with hunger pangs. Mine was different, of course, I chose mine. They did not.

2. I learned what it means to do without. In a fast you do without something that is so basic that you many times do not even think about it. You go into a well stocked pantry, which I have, and take nothing for yourself. You invite people over for supper and eat nothing. You are sitting and watching a movie and eat nothing. You do without. This tends to make you realize that most of the stuff you have is not really all that important. I always admired the guys who could live in a room with little or nothing. I think I could. I would not put Ella through that, but I could do it. The stuff I own is not that important.

3. I lost a lot of muscle tissue. I was afraid I would, but I couldn’t exercise for the muscle cramping. So that meant I lost a lot of muscle. I did this back in 1997 too and took a while to get it back. The same seems to be so this time too. Since I always liked being a big strong man, this kind of hits me below the belt.

4. I learned loneliness. There is a camaraderie that comes from eating with others. That is totally missing in a fast. On the last fast, as well as this one, I stood in a grocery store buying food for my wife and for some guests that were coming for a prayer night. As I stood there in the midst of American plenty, something that almost looks like a warehouse for gluttony, I knew I was the only person in that place who had not eaten for several weeks.  You are alone in what you are doing.

5. I learned that people’s perceptions of you are changed. Others see you as weird. The guy isn’t eating. How can you not eat at all? Something isn’t normal with this. We are worried about you and don’t want you to get sick. What is the first thing you are going to eat? After a couple of weeks, people get a little scared of you. You are accomplishing something that they could never even think about doing. And they are afraid of what you are doing and by extension, you. It sets you apart.

I will have more later as I process this. I came off the diet to my father’s death and the funeral. We drove nine hours there and nine back. I came off my fast to a counter full of cake and stuff that people had brought to us out of love. It was a hard way to come off a fast. You really need to do so easily, but I was not able to.

But all in all, it was a good fast. And I intend to do a similar fast sometime soon.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

wrap-up of my twenty-one day fast, part two

Wrap-up of my twenty-one day fast, part two

My father, John Thomas Cliver, Sr., died today at 1:25PM. I don’t what else to say right now.


Father God, I ask for strength for my mother. Bless her and bless my father’s children and his legacy. I praise you anyway. Amen.

wrap-up of my twenty-one day fast

Wrap-up of my twenty-one day fast

I had my first thing to eat today. It was oatmeal that Ella added dates, walnuts and Grape-Nuts to. It was delicious but, as I figured, it was not the ultimate of creation. Not sure why.

I do know that those things so greatly anticipated are never quite what you thought they would be. That is case with a lot of things in this life. And oatmeal is not among the pantheon of great and wonderful things. It is good and I like it, but still. It is just oatmeal.

The fast ends with a lot of physical problems and an astonishing weight loss of 55-60 pounds, depending on how accurate my scale is. That is just in three weeks. I never anticipated that, and my body has let me know that it did not like it.

Now comes the rebuilding process and an addition 30 pounds that I want to lose. I guess that in just three weeks, I fulfilled one of my New Year’s Resolutions, the one that said I would lose 50 pounds. Good deal, I guess. That is not why I went on the fast, but given to me by God in the fasting.

I am still processing what I have learned from the fast and will blog it later.

For now, it all ends on a sad note. My father, who is 82 and has Alzheimer’s along with two forms of cancer and a stroke, is about to die. We are waiting for the message and will go to Tyler, TX, when it happens. 750 miles there, 1300 round trip.

It hurts to hear this. He has always been a strong vital man and my mother is in pain at losing her lover. On top of it all, yesterday was their anniversary, and I doubt sincerely that he was even aware of it.

I still do not know why the Lord has put me so far away from my family. The immediate aphorism that comes to hand for most people is that he had some good reason and a job for me here. That trips so liltingly off the tongue but is just that: an aphorism. And sometimes a rather meaningless and irritating one, as most aphorisms are.

Now I wait.

Father God, I ask you for power for my mother, and I ask you to take my father quickly if he is not to be healed. Help us, his children, to know your grace in this time of grief. Bless us. I praise you. Amen.

Monday, February 21, 2011

end of day twenty-one, the last day

End of day twenty-one, the last day
It has been a long fast. Tomorrow I am going to write down all my observations and see where it has all led me.

The cramping, the coldness I feel constantly, the runny nose, the hunger pangs, the digestive system problems, the light headedness, all these I believe were ultimately worth it.

I feel a closeness to God I haven’t felt in a while. I am able to pray longer and maybe a little more deeply. And there were some things told me and that I have seen that were worth it.

All in all, I am glad I am finishing and I am glad I started.

It has made my church a little wary and afraid of me. Every church wants a pastor that fasts and prays, but one who fasts and prays for three solid weeks is a little beyond their pale.

I am going to continue the weight loss. I need to lose another 30 pounds at least. The fifty that I lost during this fast were a total surprise. The last long fast I went on, thirty days total, did not yield nearly this much weight. Of course, I was younger at the time. That may be why. I do not know. And I do not care. I was entirely too overweight to begin with and now I still am, just not as much.

I look forward to reemerging as a member of the dining community. My meals are going to be small and easy for a while, lest I die. Oatmeal tomorrow morning, then stir fry for supper. Something in between, maybe crackers and cheese. I bought some sale Valentine’s Day candy yesterday on sale. I may have some of that.

I do know that I will strive to never eat as much as I have eaten in the past. That is my weight problem. I eat just entirely too much.

I have not necessarily enjoyed this fast, but I am glad I went on it. May God be forever praised in my life.

Father God, I ask for power in my life and in the life of my church. Give us grace and strength to grow more strongly in you. Grant our denomination and the church in general your strength and power to take your name to the world. Give us unity. Thank you for this time of fasting and prayer. I praise you. Amen.

addendum two to day twenty-one

Addendum two to day twenty-one

I just had the most depressing disappointment. I went down to the store in south Lincoln to get the oatmeal that I intended to eat tomorrow and they were out. The next shipment was coming in today.

Now in the great scale of things that was pathetically minor. But in proportion to the amount of time I have spent in thinking about eating it, it is huge.

For the past week and a half in my twenty-one day fast, I have thought about that oatmeal. I am not sure why it has occupied such a center of importance, but it has. And I know it got ridiculous.

It is amazing again that something so small can loom so large in your mind. It is like the guy overseas who dreams of an American hamburger to the point that he has it in his mind better than hamburger can taste, then when he gets home and eats one, it is a disappointment.

I know that the oatmeal – a multi grain made up of several different things – could not taste as good as I had made it up to be. But the fact remains that I will not get it.

Ella will make me some oatmeal tomorrow. She will put dates and walnuts and Grape-Nuts in it and it will be great.

But nothing will ever again taste to me like that multi-grain oatmeal would have tasted. One of the great wonders of the world has slipped through my grasp.

addendum to day twenty-one

Addendum to day twenty-one
It has been a good experience observing this fast. I have felt the need to do this for a quite a while but just didn’t have the sand to do it. On this last day, I am going today to consider what I have gained and what I have given, what the Lord has said and what I have asked.

It has been a physically demanding fast, much more than I ever had before in my life. the super weight loss, the physical discomfort, the cramping, the runny nose, the almost hallucinogenic feelings at times. All those were unexpected. I knew I would lose weight but I never considered 50 pounds of rapid weight loss.

I have also felt closer to God so much this fast. It has extended my praying and my meditation. It has made my writing stronger, my observations clearer.

It has also made me, my wife tells me, look haunted. There is a look in the eyes of starving people that is in mine. Even though I still do not look anywhere near like I am starving, there is a look in my eye that says something is different. It is the look of an acetic, one who denies himself a lot.

I have never really denied myself that much in my life and my looks always reflected that. But the denial of food for 21 days can make a man look like that. I have noticed that it makes people a little nervous around me. I am beginning to think the people in this church are a little scared of me anyway, and this doesn’t help any.

I think they are scared because of the fact that when I came in here, there were those who had run things for a long time and had been empowered by leadership to do so. When I came in, I didn’t allow it and there was little or no give in me. Whether for good or ill these people ended up leaving. And when they did, the tension in the church was gone. Of course, so were many in the church, but the result was good, I think. I hope.

The rest of this day stands before me. Last night was difficult. I was wrapped up in an electric warming throw in my recliner watching a movie. Of course, Ella, the cold natured one was not cold. I, the warm natured one was freezing. So there I was, the little old man, sitting in his chair with a lap robe, doddering over his mulled wine. Well, it wasn’t mulled, but still.

It will be good to eat again. I had toyed with the idea of going ahead and going forty days, but I don’t believe I will. I think I have done enough damage for the moment.

Father God, I ask for more power in my life. Let me feel your presence and see your face. Force yourself on me and fill me with you. I praise you. Amen.

day twenty-one of the fast, the last day

Day twenty-one of the fast, the last day
Therefore I tell you that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, “Jesus be cursed,” and no one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the Holy Spirit. (1 Corinthians 12:3)
Today we pray for unity and focus of mission for The Foursquare Church (that the Lord will speak to us clearly during these days of His will, purpose and plans).

Unity is our prayer today. But I do not limit this prayer to unity and focus for just the Foursquare Church. Part of my problem has always been that I am a kingdom guy. I have always seen things in a larger light than sometimes people in my denominations have. That is why I had to leave the Church of Christ. I could no longer look at the church in such a limited perspective. We are all children of God in Christ Jesus. We all serve him.

That is why the apostle Paul said what he said in 1 Corinthians 12:3 above. You agree with me that Jesus is Lord and we are one. Everything else is commentary.

So many churches cannot realize that. They see themselves as the receptacles of the grace of God and defenders of the faith. All others are holders of false doctrine and out to destroy. Even many Pentecostals see themselves that way, even though God has poured out his Spirit on just about every denomination in the world.

Even Episcopalians – who have no real backbone when it comes to living with the world – and  Catholics – whom many see as the mortal enemy of Protestantism – have received the blessing.

I was reading a history of the Assemblies of God that mentioned their dismay at the outpouring of the Spirit on the Episcopal and Catholic church back in the 1960’s. They knew it was real, just as it had happened to them, but that was not the way they wanted. So many of them resisted it, standing athwart God’s will shouting Stop!

But it happened anyway. Then there was the Jesus People, then the great charismatic move of the early 90’s, of which I was a part.

The church is bigger than her parts. When we realize that, we begin our move towards unity. Unity is not uniting under our idea. Unity is uniting under God’s idea. When we realize that, we attain unity.

I will admit, though, I like the Foursquare Church’s idea of the gospel, that is why I became a part of it. I had been in isolationist church churches too long to join another, and I looked hard before I became a part of it. It is not perfect and there are many flaws, but after all, we are all flawed. And we still serve.

Father God, I ask for unity in the world. I know that it seems presumptuous for one man to ask something that so many have asked, but I do anyway. Give us unity and give us strength in it. Move your sovereign will over  this world and bring them to you. Thank you for the Foursquare Church and for my participation in it. Bless them and keep them. Thank you also for your presence in my fast. I praise you. Amen.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

end of day twenty

End of day twenty
I lift up my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip — he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you — the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm — he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. (Psalm 121)
One more day. And today I am hungry. Really hungry. I feel the gnawing of needing something to eat. It is an irritating feeling, but after all, I am human. It is not natural to not eat. Eating is one of the basic needs, so when  you deny it, it shouldn’t be surprising that you are hungry.

I suppose that when Jesus fasted in the desert, he wasn’t hungry. The knowledge of the mission that God gave him when he was baptized and the Holy Spirit came on him like a dove probably drove all thought of food from his mind.

It was possibly a combination of amazement, shock, possibly some horror mixed in. He did come to die, not to get married and have kids and live a good life, joining the Rotary Club and all.

He probably knew all his life that he was different, that he had some purpose. And because of that he put off life like normal people. I really liked the mini-series Jesus with Jeremy Sisko when he finally told Mary, Martha’s sister, who was in love with him in the movie that he hoped she could be happy, but that it would be without him. That was something you could see happening.

For forty days, he sat and thought and planned and figured and waited and prayed. I also think that it was only when he came to grips with his destiny, his job as it were, his Messiahship, that he got hungry again.

Then, of course, he was really hungry and was vulnerable to the devil. Or at least the devil thought he would be. But he had that special power that comes from realizing what it is that God wants.

To a certain extent, not exactly like him of course, we gain that power too when we accept God’s will in our lives. Until then, we are “kicking against the pricks” as Jesus said in the old King James to the apostle Paul on the road to Damascus.

Even though Jesus died, he knew he was in God’s will. Even though Paul died, he knew he was in God’s will. It was the same with Shadrack, Meshach and Abednego in the book of Daniel. They told the king that they would not worship his idol, that their God would deliver them. And even if he didn’t, they still would not betray him to worship the king’s idol.

That is power. And Jesus had it in spades. Of course, he was a little different, but if he had special power, super power, he was not like us. If it was no trouble for him to be perfect, then he was not like us and the whole thing was a sham.

I feel that power. And I think in many ways it is that power that carries me and has carried me through this fast. As I said, it is not normal to not eat. It takes a special power to do that.

God the Father is my strength. My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth. And he will always be my power.

Father God, I ask you for more power in my sorry life, that I can overcome my obstacles and my sins to worship and praise and serve you more. I know that I am unworthy and that you love me in spite of myself and I praise your holy name. Thank you for the cross, thank you for your grace, thank you for you. I praise you. Amen

day twenty of the fast

Day twenty of the fast
It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. (Ephesians 4:11-13)
Today we pray for our central office and district staff (that the Lord will continue to strengthen, lead and fill with His Spirit).

It is hard to be a leader in the church and to have people look up to you. So many want it but they want it for the prestige and not for the work. It has long been my contention that I look askance on anyone who campaigns for a leadership position in a church.

That is not to say that I do not welcome volunteers and people who desire to lead. 1 Timothy 3:1 has the apostle Paul writing: Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task. In other words, it is good to want to be a leader. But it is when that desire is  overwhelming and you can tell it is for the wrong reasons that it becomes bad.

Leadership is a delicately balanced thing. There is the responsibility that so many do not see, and the knowledge that you have to be careful in your leading.

I have been pastoring for 37 years, an astonishingly long time to me. It seems just yesterday that I began. During that time, I have learned so much and yet, at the same time, feel I have so much to learn.

If I had it to do again, I would be a pastor again. There would be things I would do differently than before, but that life situation and marrying my wife again I would do.

Thank God for leaders.

One more day to go. This morning I put on my clothes for morning services, and I look amazingly thin. This was not the reason I went on the fast, but the side effects were definitely from the Lord.

I have been larger than I have ever been before in my life, but, as I said, since the beginning of this fast, I have lost 50 pounds.

The weight loss has really been too fast. But I truly needed to lose it. I intend to keep on with the weight loss.

But the time in fasting and prayer has really been interesting. So far, and I do still have today and tomorrow, there have been no fantastic moves or words from God. Like last time, I did not know what to expect.

What I have gotten is a feeling of closeness to the Lord. He has brought me through this and I praise him for it.

Today is church. I am always glad to go. I always feel better afterwards than I did before. Even if it is not the great worshipfest I want it to be, I am still glad I go.

Father God, I ask for strength for our leaders and for us who lead. Bless them and give them wisdom and discernment in what they do. Bless also the church they lead and make us grow. I wait for you. Hear me, my Lord and my Savior. I praise you. Amen.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

end of day nineteen

End of day nineteen
Two more days to go. The weight I have dropped is amazing. I do not know why I lost so much weight, but I have. I am wearing pants that I have not worn in years. Fortunately, I guess, I keep all my old clothes. I bring them out once in a while and reminisce over old times. Now I can wear them. That means, however, that I have lost the vast majority of my wardrobe.

As soon as this is over, I intend to embark on an exercise regimen of some kind. I cannot exercise much now except for walking. Every time I try to do anything, my muscles cramp like crazy. It really gets annoying.

Today while we were at worship practice, I cramped a lot just singing. In fact, this fast has impacted several things.

One is that I am so tired. It is hard just holding the guitar slung around my neck. I get tired just playing.

Another is that I am so light headed. I feel often like I am going to fall down.

A third thing is as I mentioned before, the fact that I am so cold. In the church today during worship practice, everyone else was fine. In fact, Ella told me when she came in the church that it was too hot. But not to me, and I am usually the one who gets hot easily.

And a fourth, one that I considered only today, is that during this fast, the entire time, my nose has run. I guess it is the lack of resistance coming from no nutrition. That is the only thing I can think of. Maybe that and being so cold. I have to be careful. I can see getting sick if I am not.

At least my digestive system has decided to leave me alone.

But I still wait. And I have prayed today for my family, especially my children. My son is angry at having to be a PK, and with the things that have happened to us in the past, I am not really surprised. My daughter doesn’t mind it, but she is the kind of person who would still go to church if people stood in the door and beat her with sticks while she went in.

So I pray for them.

Ella is always upbeat and supports me no matter what hare-brained ideas I may get in my head. If I decided to go to Nigeria and preach, she would go. She may not have a good time, but she would not let me see it. I love her, not just for that, but it surely adds to the blessings this stupid wanna-be hippie got when I got her.

I also have been praying for the church here. Something has to happen. We cannot stay small forever. I do not believe it is the will of God that a church be small. That doesn’t mean that a small church is not in the will of God, but I believe God wants his church to be a blessing to those around in the community. And that is hard when you are small and your budget is so limited.

I see great things for a work here in Lincoln. It is over a quarter million population and is both a state capital and a major university community. Great things could happen here. And I believe they will. but it will only happen with the will of the Lord and sure enough not by anything I can do. if could, I would have done it.

So I wait.

Father God, I ask for power to our families, those who have been both afflicted and blessed by their relationship to a pastor. Give them strength and the ability to look past the hurt so many times caused them by the church, and to see the God behind the hurt, that you are good and loving. And I ask for power and growth for this church that we can reach those who need your grace and the gospel of your power. I praise you. Amen

day nineteen of the fast

Day nineteen of the fast.

Today we pray for the marriages and families of our ministers (that the Lord will protect, heal, strengthen, supply and give hope to those who have answered the ministry call).

Rarely does a woman marry a pastor. Usually she marries someone else, like a salesman or mechanic or lineman. Then he feels the call from God to go to school and train for the ministry. Suddenly she is faced with a prospect she never signed up for: that of a preacher’s wife. And the kids, if there are some, suddenly become PK’s.

It is very hard on the family.

It is the stereotype of a minister that he spends so much with his church and with the kids at his church that he loses his own family and his own kids. It is a complaint you hear from so many ministerial families that the dad is so busy that he has no time for them.

I believe in large part that the stereotype is wrong. It is just that: a stereotype. But it happens more often than it should. Living in a “glass house” as it is put makes it hard on a pastor’s family.

They often feel judged and looked at, they resent their father not making as much money as others, they do not like the expectations put on them by the church. And quite frankly, many churches go out of their way to judge a pastor’s family.

Sometimes the fault is not with the pastor. Sometimes it is with the judgmental attitude of the church.

But in both instances, so often the family is hurt.

It is hard to keep a balance. Sometimes when the pastor has to be with his family, the church will not understand. And sometimes, the dreaded (and extremely unscriptural and ungodly) words are said, Well what do we pay you for?

Someone said that once a few years back and I pulled out my checkbook and offered to give him his share back. He backpedaled and changed his mind. But one thing for sure it is hard for the family sometimes even in the best of circumstances.

I am grateful for my wife’s support through my ministry. Without her support, it would have been impossible.

I dreamed last night that I accidentally ate some things at a gathering in the church. The guilt I felt in my dream was almost overwhelming. All had been for nothing. Everything was ruined. I had failed. I would have to start over sometimes soon and do it again.

That feeling stayed with me when I awoke. For some reason, that feeling in the dream had translated into my real life. it is not often that that sort of thing happens, where my dreams come over into my life. But it did today.

The reality is that if I had eaten, all would not be lost. I would just have stopped my fast early. God would not judge me and I would not have necessarily failed. I have said it before and I say it again. We do not stand or fall before God because of what we do. We stand or fall according to who we are.

If we are children of God in Christ Jesus, we will stand, even though we make all kinds of mistakes. He knew from the beginning that we would fail, that we would sin. So he made provisions through the blood of Jesus to save us.

If there were any chance of us doing what we had to do perfectly, we would not need Jesus. If I could fast perfectly, it would not be to the glory of God. It would just be something I did.

However, I believe that it is not possible for one to go on a fast for this length of time without God being with him. So I also think that God will enable me to reach the end of my pledge. I will fast for him and with him.

But even if I eat something – and last night was hard – I will not be lost. Ella says that my hunger has begun going into my dreams and she is probably right. The key is, I want to hear God more than I want to eat.

I weighed 255 this morning. I started at about 309 last I weighed. That is more than I have ever weighed in my life. Usually I was below 250. Now I almost am again.

Father God, I ask you to watch over the families of our pastors. Give them strength to deal with the glass house problem. Give them strength to witness for you in a sometimes awkward situation, that of living in a family supported by the church. Hear me and give me what I need too. I fast before you knowing that you are with me and knowing that you love me. Hear me, o God. I praise you. Amen.

Friday, February 18, 2011

end of day eighteen

End of day eighteen
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. (Matthew 4:1-2)
A friend and her grandson came over for supper tonight. He has just been released from a juvenile facility and is going home for the first time in eight years. His story is a pathetic one of a government institution running roughshod over individuals. I believe he was falsely imprisoned under the guise of being a troubled child and undergone horrendous things in the interim.

I am so glad they are together and are going home. He was excited and upbeat and happy.

When she came in, she was rather startled at the weight loss I have undergone since the fast began. I do not see it, but she surely did. Ella says she sees it too. I know that my stomach is gone and I recognize that it have lost – at least by our bathroom scale – over 50 pounds. I don’t understand how I can lose so much so quickly, but Ella says I look as though I have been sick.

She tells me that my facial fat and puffiness is gone and I just look different. After they told me these things, I realized that my hands were definitely thinner. They swell because of the way I sleep with the face mask at night: in one position all night long.  It puts me so far out that I never move.

But I do wish that my digestive system would shut up and leave me alone. Eighteen days and still. Today I have been feeling fairly faint and tonight I had my first real hunger. After all, I am starving.

But I want to hear God more than I want to eat. I need to hear his voice, to hear him tell me something. It isn't that I want to see him on a mountain or something like that. It is just that I want to hear what he has to say to me. This started out as a fast for the Foursquare Church, but it has kind of morphed into a need to hear what he has to say.

I continue to pray for the things that our president, Glenn Burris, asked us to pray for, but I have found the need to hear things myself. I have felt this pull for a few years and have never given in to it.

Now I have and I will be hanged if I quit now.

And I wait.

Father God, I ask you for power to our missionaries, to missionaries for churches all over the world of all kind and denomination. Give them power and strength. Give them your presence in their livers and bless them. Bless also the people they have brought to you and keep them safe in this many time antagonistic situation in which they live. Hear me, I pray. Bless Marji and David. I praise you. Amen.

addendum to day eighteen

Addendum to day eighteen

Again I am struck by the amount of problems I have on this fast. I am cold all the time, my digestion system is angry at me and now I am light headed and have almost fallen over a couple of times when I was doing something.

But we had another answer. We got a dryer to replace the one that broke. For that I am grateful.

We still pray for a van or the way to get a van. We need one badly. I don’t know if this one – the church van we are using right now – will last long.

But the Lord hears. I know he does. And as the apostle Paul said in 2 Timothy 1:12, I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.

I know he hears me and will hear me more.

On the plus side physically, I have lost almost 50 pounds. I guess it was the Atkins diet that we were on before I started.  It had my body carb-starved so it just continued faster. Kind of a surprise, though, since the last long fast I took didn’t lose nearly that much over a whole month.

I intend to use this fast as a response to my overweight condition. I want to look like a good steward of God, not like a fat slob.

Father God, hear me. Bless me. Answer me. Thank you for the dryer. I praise you. Amen.

day eighteen of the fast

Day eighteen of the fast
Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:18-20)
Today we pray for our missionaries (that the Lord will provide all of their needs while strengthening the work of their ministry and giving them great favor and influence).

Mission work has to be one of the hardest things a Christ follower can do. and probably one of the most exciting. Moving into an area where there are people who have never heard the gospel of Jesus and beginning to teach.

Sometimes it is just a desire to plant a church of your denomination. There may be a hundred churches there already, but you want one of your particular flavor. And that is okay.

Sometimes it is moving into a city where it is woefully underchurched and trying to reach those thousands or millions that are without Jesus.

Sometimes it is going into an area that is antagonistic to the whole message of Jesus and trying to bring his grace into a pagan or infidel society.

Whatever the avowed purpose of bringing the church, it is hard. Harder, of course, in cities that are antagonistic to your message. These would be places like the Middle East where it if often against the law to convert from Islam.

But I have to admit that bringing the church into a city where there are lots of churches can be as hard. Complacency sets in and people do not care. It is a result of overexposure and undercaring that results in thousands of people who don’t even bother to go anymore. They no longer care.

One thing is for certain, in the places that are antagonistic to the gospel, the people are stronger in the faith. They have to be. To keep something in the face of such resistance brings real strength. It is the kind of strength the apostles and early church had in the first century. The kind of strength that Shadrack, Meshach and Abednego had in the book of Daniel.

Their comment to persecution: our God will deliver us, and even if he doesn’t, we still will not do what is wrong. That is strength.

It is the kind of strength I strive for here in Lincoln. The church is small and has gone through a tumultuous time since I have been here. That was due to some who felt it was their divine right to determine what went on in the church and who resisted change of any kind.

That hurts a work and hurts a preacher. It saps the joy right out of a work. For the past year I have been sitting here trying to figure out what I should do, what I shouldn’t have done and all without the denominational support I thought I would have.

I believe that it is easier and more productive to plant a new church in a city than to bring a dead one back to life. that said, however, I am in a dead one and this is where the Lord has put me. But it has deepened my depression.

I had a burst of optimism when I began this fast  a couple weeks ago, but I am not sure if that is my natural Pollyanna side coming out or not. Time will tell. The three words that have come to me, I am still mulling over.

Can it be that I am not a failure? Can it be that God is not through with me? Can it be that God not just shunted me here to this small church in the middle of nowhere just to put me out of the way so he can do other better things?

I wait.

Father God, I ask for power to your missionaries of every stripe and kind that preach your word. empower them, give them fruit in their work and help those whom they bring in to be strong and bear fruit themselves. Show me your way. give me your joy. Set me free from this prison so that I may praise your name. I praise you. Amen.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

end of day seventeen

End of day seventeen

I finally got warmed up this evening. Ella and I watched a movie and I sat in the recliner. I usually sit in an office chair at the desk where my computer is, but tonight I sat in the recliner. I put a heated throw over my feet and legs and was warm.

It seems that the cold has settled into my body, no matter what I wear. It and one other thing are surprising attributes of this fast. My digestive system will not let go and be through. It is getting irritating between that and the cold.

No word from God today, nothing of any real import. But I wait.

I have been thinking about the schools and colleges for ministers and for Christians in general. The one for the Foursquare Church is LIFE Bible College in Los Angeles. I have no investment, either by money or by participation in that school, although I hear it is a good one.

But I have been thinking about the seminaries around the nation that have gone off the deep end in denying the validity of the Bible and the divinity of Jesus. I do not understand how a school that purports to be a divinity school can teach otherwise than that which the Bible teaches. And they destroy young ministers with their liberalism.

A few years ago, I considered attending St Paul’s Seminary in Kansas City. It was a pricey school, costing around $30K at the time for a MDiv. I went and talked to the admissions dean who frankly admitted their problems with conservative students and how they were trying to address them.

He invited me to attend a class. I went to one that taught about a book about Jesus. Not a Bible book, but one a guy had written. At one point the teacher told us to break up into small groups and discuss something about the miracles of Jesus, I forget what..

I was in a group of four women. One was a Methodist, two were Disciples of Christ and one was Unitarian, a group who for the most part deny anything related to God and his reality. I sm not sure why they exist.

When we got into the group, the Unitarian said, I don’t even know why I am doing this. I don’t even believe in the miracles.

Not to be outdone, the Methodist replied she was not sure she did either and the two DOC women went along. My thought was, man, I’m sure not in Kansas anymore.

I left and never went back.

It is schools like that that turn out ministers who do not believe in the very things they are to teach to unsuspecting churches that are at fault for the decline of so many mainstream denominations.

And they should be run from.

Again, I thank God for my education. It was slanted, yes, but I took the knowledge they drummed into us and found God. He, not the Bible, is the point of it all. The Bible is his word, yes, and I believe it is inspired. But he is the author and finisher of our salvation, not the Bible.

Not that we do not study the written word. it is our guide for all we do and it is real and powerful in its simplicity.

Father God, I ask your power be on those who teach your word. I ask that you move people away from those institutions that refuse. Move through those institutions and show them your power so that they, too, may believe. Thank you for your power. I praise you. Amen.

addendum to day seventeen

Addendum to day seventeen

I never thought I could feel so cold. I have been cold since the fast began.

Today is a beautiful day. 63 right now and winds west at 20, so it is not cold outside.

But since I began this fast, I have had no fuel to warm my body. And I feel it so strongly.

The next time we call a fast, let’s do it in the summer.

day seventeen of the fast

Day seventeen of the fast
And in the church God has appointed first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others, those with gifts of administration, and those speaking in different kinds of tongues. (1 Corinthians 12:28)
Today we pray for our Bible colleges and institutes (that the Lord will use all of our educational and training centers to equip, encourage and release the next wave of pastors, church planters, worship, youth and children, evangelists, missionaries and other ministers).

Christian colleges and the like are responsible for my education. I appreciate them. I guess the only problem is that they were all from a radically different denominational group that the one in which I am today. The perspectives of my education and the place where I am with God today are poles apart.

It is an odd thing overcoming your educational bias. You are taught one thing by godly men and then you learn something better. But the men who taught you are still godly men, just with a different perspective. It does not make them better or worse than you, just different.

That is the beauty of the Christian faith. We can be different. That group was aggressively anti-Pentecostal. That was due somewhat to ignorance, as the Lord had not baptized them in his Spirit.

But I know for a fact that those men had the Spirit of God in them, even though they would have felt me to be a heretic today. And the sad thing is, they would have and many do.

Their teaching, however, set me on a course in life as a lover of knowledge. I love to learn things and I think I have a good grounding of the word of God, both linguistic and philosophical. If there is anything the teaching of a legalistic institution can give you, it is a definitive knowledge of the word of God.

I find as I get older, the knowledge I received from that schooling has been better, sheer knowledge wise, than any other I have seen from almost any other denomination. It was word heavy, memorization heavy, very comprehensive.

When we graduated from that time of study, we knew our Bible, we could quote it backwards and forwards. We were walking, talking, living preacher machines. We didn’t know social graces or pastoral ability, or anything else. But by the Lord above, we could preach and we knew what we were saying, at least in the context of that denomination.

We could debate and argue and 90% of the time could talk anybody, no matter their denomination or belief into a corner. Our sheer knowledge was amazing. Perspective was lacking, but a lot of that was that we were young.

In the ensuing years, I have had the chance to put it all in perspective, which is really what education is for. It is designed to give you raw materials from which you make your life philosophy. And the raw materials they gave were great amounts of raw, intensive Bible study.

Yes, it was slanted. All study is slanted because people teach it. You cannot help teaching your ideas and opinions. You are human. But other people can take your ideas and opinions and from their own maturity distill the truth.

I thank God for my teachers and my education.

Three different and disparate words from God in the past two days. Thank you, Lord I wait for more.

Father God, I ask you for power on the educational institutions of all churches, of all denominations that teach your word and the love of that word. Help them to also see you behind the word and teach love for you also. Hear me. Show me more. I am desperate for your affirmation. I praise you. Amen

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

end of day sixteen

End of day sixteen
It has been a good day all in all. We had a great class tonight. I like Wednesday night classes. They have the people who truly want to learn more abut the word. If things go right, the discussion can be rather lively.

As I mentioned before, a couple of answers today on something, I am not sure what they mean yet.

One was the passage from 1 Chronicles 4 with the prayer of Jabez. I have never believed that had the absolute power so many wanted it to have. They wanted to pray the prayer and it be the absolute way to get God’s attention. God hears and says, Oh, those are the words I wanted to hear. The problem is, there is no prayer or saying or phrase or mantra that does that. It is our hearts God hears, not our phrasing.

The other was a relative I haven’t seen in years that I am a friend with on Facebook. Out of the clear blue sky, in responding to a wry comment I made to an old friend, he gave me an authentication and verification of my mission and my life in such a way that I have never received before. Ever.

It was almost staggering at the depth of the comment he made telling me that I was a godly man.

So often I feel like an imposter. If people knew me they would not like me. That kind of thing. Ella is always after me on that account. She tells me that I am valuable and worthwhile, talented and good. I feel like a poseur, one who pretends.

I think that is fairly common in people serving God.

I read a novel one time by Robert Heinlein, part of which dealt with a man going to heaven. He is riding around on a streetcar when all of a sudden the people around him realize he is a saint and they become afraid of him. He approaches one of the angels and complains about it, saying I don’t want to be a saint. The angel says, in essence, well too bad. You are anyway. And we never let people who want to be saints be saints.

That is true with leaders. I would never allow a person to be an elder or council member who campaigned for the work. I have always felt that people drafted into service do a better job because they come into a time of need. They are not there for the glory, they are there for the service.

Two things today. Five days to go.

Then I can have that slice of toasted and buttered sourdough bread. But I want to hear God more. To hear him clearly, I would never eat buttered bread again.

Father God, I ask you for power to America in bringing you and your grace back to center stage in our country. Bless us so that we may bless you. Thank you for the words today. Give me more. Give me authentication in what I need to do. Give me courage and power. Give me and Ella the things we need, and make our church grow. I praise you. Amen.

second addendum on day sixteen

Second addendum on day sixteen
Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez, saying, “I gave birth to him in pain.” Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.(1 Chronicles 4:9-10)
I was praying this afternoon, and I continued to ask the Lord for guidance. I was pretty vocal and specific.

Finally, I did as I do sometimes and which works sometimes, to my Bible and opened it at random. When I saw the 1 Chronicle passage that talks about who had whom and all, my eyes fell on verses 9-10, the prayer of Jabex.

I have never been a believer in that prayer as a talisman or mantra. Some would have you think that if you just say it enough, sooner or later, God will give these to you. I have never believed it and still don’t.

But at the same time, it was odd that my eye came right to that with no prompting otherwise.

I am going to think about that.