day two of my fast

Day two of my fast:

Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us. (1 John 3:22-24)

Today we pray for the harvest (that the Lord of the Harvest will send laborers into the fields as 4 billion people have yet to proclaim Jesus as Savior).

This is one of the roughest days of fasting for me. It is the day in which I feel recriminations and depression over my life and character in general. I don’t know why today, but there have been times when I went off my fast on the second day simply because I could not stand the introspection.

That sounds goofy, I know, but it is true. For some reason, on the second day I begin to look at myself.

I guess I never really cared for myself as a person. I know me. I have always wished I could be different. All my life I have been dissatisfied with myself and wished I could be different.

My nose is too small, my lips too thick and cupid looking, I am shaped wrong, my ankles are too thin. When I was younger, my hair would never lay right on my head, I am knock-kneed. There is little even today that I like about my body.

I have also always felt like a poser, an imposter. I heard about the imposter syndrome several years back and realized that it fit me to a T – whatever that means.

The imposter syndrome is such that you think of yourself as pretending to be something you are not. If people really knew you, they would realize that you are a hypocrite. No matter what you do or how well you do it, you work yourself so that your motives are suspect. Nothing you do is really true, nothing is really from the heart, nothing is of any real value or importance. When you die, your wife and maybe your daughter will be there, but nobody else. They will probably have to get a preacher from the funeral home pool.

None of that is necessarily true, but it doesn’t stop my mind from racing towards elf-condemnation.

That is the point of the scripture above. No matter what you may think of yourself, God thinks differently. He sees you as he wants to. If you have the blood of Jesus covering you, he sees you as holy. And no matter what your inadequacy is or what you may feel it is, it doesn’t matter. God is greater than your heart.

If I make it through today and maybe tomorrow, I can go a long time.

Today we pray that the gospel can be preached and that people will respond. It is amazing at the reception of the gospel in some of the Muslim countries. Even in the midst of horrible persecution, people are turning to Jesus.

The sad thing is that in our own country, where there is no real persecution, people are dropping from church like flies. Church is beginning to be seen as irrelevant, or at least as one of many viable ways to see God. The diversity plague that has spread through our country has hurt us more than we think. It has diluted the perceived value of Christianity and made it into one of many, rather than the Way.

Father God, we pray that you send more into areas where your gospel is so desperately needed. I pray that here in Lincoln, the gospel can be heard and people can come to your saving grace. Bless those in hard places that they can have strength and power. Move your sovereign will over this world and show your power. Here I am, Lord, send me. I will go wherever you want me to go and do whatever you want me to do. I only ask that you show me. O God, you are my God, and I will ever serve you. Praise your name.