the end of day thirteen

The end of day thirteen

I cried out to God for help;  I cried out to God to hear me When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;  at night I stretched out untiring hands  and my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. (Psalm 77:1-3)

I suppose that this could rank as one of the worst days of my life.

Today was Love Feast Sunday, and we had invited several to church. I cooked 15 pounds of pork loin for the lunch afterwards. We had several things planned.

And we had 13 people come, 12 of which stayed for lunch.  All in all it was a depressing day.

I am getting discouraged. No matter what I plan, it seems to not work.

I have been fasting for thirteen days now and I am beginning to get really hungry. The cramps are almost overwhelming and I am tired all the time. And it seems that nothing is happening.

I have prayed and prayed and nothing is happening. I had in my mind that today would be a turning point. And I guess it was to a degree. It made me discouraged.

Is this really what God wants for me? A dead church with just a handful of people?

He knows I am faithful. We have attended and worked in church even when I didn’t have the pastorate. We have always done our best. And it feels like he has shunted me off somewhere to be until I die.

We have pastored good sized church, sometimes in the hundreds of people. Now we have 13. We make almost nothing in salary and our van is broken. I am not sure what he wants.

In the movie Robin and Marian, the old Robin, played by Sean Connery, is telling Marian, who has been a nun for years while he was off fighting, of the atrocities King Richard committed in battle. Finally Marian asks, why did you stay with him?

Robin replied, he is my king. Where else would I go?

I do not mean to say that God has committed atrocities or anything bad. He is God and he is good. But it seems that he has deserted me. I still serve him, because like the apostles in John 6 said, Lord, to whom would we go?

There is no other that I would give my allegiance to, or want to give my allegiance to. But as David cried out several times in his psalms, hear me! Hear me, Lord and set me free from my prison so that I may praise your name (Psalm 142:7).

I am at a point in this fast – the over halfway point – that I begin to wonder if I am worthy of his love, or at least worthy of his attention.

Father God, hear me. Answer me. There is no other but you and if you do not answer me, I do not think I can bear it. You are my God and I will ever serve you. I praise you. Amen