the end of day fourteen

The end of day fourteen

Today it seemed like there was a breakthrough in praying. I began to pray longer and, at least it seemed, harder.

I have been waiting for this to happen, as it did on the last long fast.

I have come to the point that I am not sure that I am hungry anymore. At this point in my last fast, it dawned on me how teenaged girls could starve themselves to death. They just decide not to eat. At the end of my last long fast, I realized that you have to give yourself permission to eat, that after not eating for so long, you lose the natural eating ability.

In fact, to this day, 14 years later, I still have trouble tasting what I cook. I didn’t for a month and now I still do not.

I cooked for Ella tonight. I like fixing her dinner. It involves me somehow in dinner and in our life together. It would be easy to let her cook her own food and sit and pray or something.

But dinner is one of our favorite times together and I do not want to miss it, even if I am not eating. So I fix her dinner, and then watch her eat it. We talk, have our drinks together, and in general, have a good time.

The disappointment of yesterday has lessened some, as I knew it would, and I am trying to pray for specific things. I wrote a list of what I and we, both as a family and as an individual, need. That way I can pray specifically.

I know God has what is best in store for me. I wait on him to show it.

Father God, I ask you to bless those in Central and South America. Help them have power in their Christianity and to have the Spirit in whatever they do. Hold them and guide them by your righteous right hand. Hear me, also, and give us what we need. You are a God of power and can do anything. Hear us and answer us, show us your way, give us your power. I praise your name. Amen.