end of day fifteen

End of day fifteen

The Ninevites believed God. They declared a fast, and all of them, from the greatest to the least, put on sackcloth. (Jonah 3:5)

Today was both a good and a difficult day. I feel something breaking loose and wish it would hurry.

The good was that I had a great prayer session this morning, just me and the Lord. I have decided to tell him everything I am thinking of, no matter how trivial. I sat in the sanctuary at the church and just talked. I made a pretty comprehensive list of everything I wanted to say to make sure I wouldn’t leave anything out.

As I said before, it is hard for me to pray for long periods of time. I know people who pray for hours and cannot figure out how. But this afternoon I went longer. Maybe by the time I get through with this fast, I will be praying for longer.

I suppose that it is my attention span. I get so involved in random thoughts. And I know the devil likes that and sends many of those random thoughts into my head. I have decided that when they come, I will have a pad beside me and write them down so I can remember them later.

Many times they are good and useful thoughts, just at the wrong time. I want to be concentrating on things eternal and holy and instead think of stuff I have to do later. I have done the same thing at night. Stuff will come into my head that I may need to do tomorrow, so I just write it down. It is amazing how that will clear your mind.

I have even gotten to the point at night that I do not have to as much as before. Kind of training your mind.

The other is that I blew up at Ella today.

I was making her a cappuccino when the espresso nozzle kind of malfunctioned. It does that when I do not poke out the little holes underneath. When it did, it went on the counter, not much, but a little. She jumped up to clean it up and I told her I would. She insisted until I almost ordered her back to her chair, where she accidentally knocked over a serving dish that I particularly liked.

It fell and broke on the floor. She got up to sweep it up. I told her again that I would do it, she argued and I blew up. I do not know why.

She of course stomped out of the kitchen, which has kind of become my domain in the past couple of years since she became more disabled. I picked up the chair she was sitting in and threw it into the living room. Then I swept up the broken pottery.

It was so unlike me to do that. She has always been able to push my buttons, but this was more than usual. It is like I am on the edge of something and I do not know what.

She came back in a bit later to apologize, but I wouldn’t let her. It was my fault. And it was like the old me from a long time ago, when my temper was so bad.

And I hated it.

The problem was that even though we apologized and stuff, it still kind of hangs in the air, an unholy residue.

Father God, I ask you for mercy in my life, for grace in my actions. I hate how I do sometimes and ask you to change me, change my heart, take away everything that is not yours and replace it. Thank you for my wife and thank you for my family. Bless those in Europe who struggle against a secular society to serve you. Give them strength. I praise you. Amen.